You might say.. there are shitloads of different kind of animals in this strangely wired little world we’re living in, why alpacas? Well.. there’s not just one, there are several reasons why I just can’t stand them. All are related to the same story: Last year, when I was in sweden, I went with my friend Anna (that I just met there), his great brother (don’t even remember his face) and Petra (a hot check chick) to this Moose farm, in order to see a real moose while we were in the land of the moose. Anyway, we went there and after seeing how Petra kissed the animal, there was a surprisingly unexpected final twist to the visit: Alpacas!
First of all, what the fuck does a fuckin’ alpaca do in Sweden!? They are grown in fuckin’ Peru!! Those Alpacas were freezing below their dirty and warm set of wool!! But.. that’s not the case, the case is that they explained us why their teeth look like that
An alpaca by Juan Antonio Casaus
Their superior teeth looks like if they were constantly trying to reach an apple because they are done so that the coolest alpaca in the herd can rip off the fuckin’ testicles from the lamest alpaca in the tribe!! I mean, they are not animals, they are monsters!! They all look so nice and stupid with their fancy fringe but, when it comes to the real world, if I were an alpaca I would seriously have to put lots of efforts in keeping my balls safe!! This is freaking nuts, mate!
But anyway, the story goes on, and we go inside the cage with all the alpacas. They look so distracted, with their sigh lost in the horizon, but.. with that said, I was trying to feed this ‘mother of all the alpacas’ (the oldest in the tribe), and she just KICKED ME, the damned alpaca didn’t even look at me, she just went BUM! And kicked me on my leg!! Then she turned to eat from my hand, looked at me and spitted me!!!
What the hell!? I was kicked and spitted by the same alpaca in less than a 1 minute lapse. Oh man.. That was gross, harsh and fuckin’ ridiculous..
So.. I guess it’s not hard to find out the reason why I’ve dedicated a whole post to how much I hate them, right?
Just.. don’t ever trust in one of them. They are evil and fucking viral (see what they did with the ‘Ola k ase’ meme)..
Note to myself: Never trust in Goats anymore.
Ok. So.. I felt ready. After some hours stuck with the computer, refining my CV, my website (that you can check out in here) and looking for some job opportunities on linked in, I thought myself:” You’ve done enough of internet today, you feel ready now to close it and start writing a bit on your next short film screenplay”. The only thing that was pushing me away from my goal was this message I had to write to my girlfriend: ‘It’s alright, I’m not mad, we’ll talk tomorrow’. Simple task.. yet fuckin’ hard.
I opened chrome (then I realized it was already opened), pressed ctrl+t (I already had tons of tabs opened as well), typed ‘f’ and ‘send’ with the speed of an ewok running away from the troops. And right after that, saw that video, that video with a llama in it that said ‘Livin’ on a prayer Goat version’. I had no other chance. I clicked on it.. and suddenly..
Forgot everything. Blank page on my brain. Nothingness in my stream of consciousness.
Two motherfuckin’ hours later I found myself watching some irani blog that claimed it would help me to make money by recording myself masturbating with an orange.
My girlfriend dumped me in a matter of seconds.
And I never wrote single word of my screenplay. Of course.